Of late I’ve been sitting with myself a lot
It’s not much of a practice than a sort of homecoming
It’s been a long time since I belonged to myself.
First it was to the fervour of youth
The cries of I am enough
The audacity of changing the world someday
(When all I should have was to change my ways)
Sparkling eyes and fire dreams
And oh, but was it enough!?
Second came the heartbreaks
The ones that I didn’t see coming
The ones I gave back
The screaming retorts of “You are not enough”
Hold this hand!
Marry that guy!
Solitude is loneliness!
Yet the fear of ‘them’ not being enough
Was my constant war cry
Third came love
Patient, kind, warm
The kind that comes once in a while
To take you by surprise
He screamed you’re enough
More than enough
But I am not enough, he cried
I too cried.
Fourth is this silence
It’s like a cold winter midnight
Bang in the middle of June
I can’t hear anything
I don’t play anything
Except listening to my heart beat
A hundred times over
And over
And over
Telling me that things have changed
The softness has been replaced
You have to move on (to newer things? To better things? What is better?)
And reconcile.
Sit down and feel
This emptiness
This tragedy
Of giving more than you receive
And hoping more than hope offers
And yet be grateful to have found something
In the pain of losing it
And tell yourself to begin again
But now with the glimpse of what love taught you in it’s wake –
I am enough.
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