Six months of disgrace

There are times my mind wanders,
To a time gone by,
A time that tortured me,
Like a soul sucking fly.

I think and think,
But I can’t remember the face.
The man who carried out
What was to be six months of disgrace.

I moan over my torn reputation,
I think about construction areas and sun drenched afternoons
I also think about my hands trying desperately to clutch
To a pair of hands too slippery to begin with;
Which is why they let go so abruptly soon.

I think about all the people talking behind my back,
My best friends talking infront,
The mess makers talking down at me –
“Just forget him and focus on your own life. He never cared for you”
Was what I got after letting my emotions spiral down at their behest.

I think about all the raging days,
And crying in my best friend’s safe space
I thought I was so cool,
Didn’t respect the layers I had donned by the by,
That unravelled at the slightest prick.
I thought I was strong,
But found out I was strongly sensitive.
‘Such a fool!’
I cursed at myself over that piece of shit.

I think about how he broke my barriers day after day,
And then pierced me at my vulnerable best.
I remember all his snide remarks trying to make me feel small,
All his probes at my defences.
For the very life of me,
I couldn’t gather, a little bit of self respect.

Every day he battered me down,
With his lies and games that became the talk of town,
I forgot anything good that had happened between us
For me to get involved in the first place.

One year later now,
Now that I am safe and sound,
I realise that it wasn’t so complicated as it seemed.
That maybe that’s how these feelings work,
It clicks with one,
And rejects another – who doesn’t meet what the soul needs.
That it was chance, fate or destiny whatever,
That had led my eyes to a pair of eyes beneath
And your luck, my bad karma or whatever
That I thought I could replicate those feelings I had two summers back with the scraps you threw at me.

Thank you,
For letting me go,
Correction : Almost pushing me out!
I could never have loved you,
I now admit.
I hope you find peace in the arms you’ve settled in,
Enough to never come looking for me
And if ever, our paths cross each other
Please take the nearest exit –
Or my hands will form a fist on your lying, scheming, manipulative face –
And it won’t be as poetic as this.