With the earth taking a revolution around the sun, the optimists scream new year, new me; the realists scream it’s just a change of calendar; the pessimists might just say fuck it and do what they are doing anyway. I had been wondering for a few weeks, ever since my last post of how I don’t want to make resolutions – which category do I fit into. Maybe I am the veritable cat on the wall – I have always found it difficult to grab a polarized opinion. Being on the fence helps me know that I can always take the comfort of either side as the tide changes without committing to the consequences of each. So maybe, my first resolution for 2024 is to start making resolutions. To be less on the fence and more in tune with what I want. Setting boundaries – or in my case discovering boundaries and setting them.
There was this beautiful quote in Dear Zindagi, Shahrukh looks and Kiara and says, “Agar hum apni zindagi ka steering wheel apne haath mein nahi lenge na … toh koi doosra driver seat par baith jayega”, and I feel this is so important in every context. Boundaries look like fences to us which is why I have always used them rarely, it is only off late I have realised that boundaries are a way to gatekeep my own desires and needs from anyone who is not me – be it my friends, siblings, extended family, colleagues, lovers or even my parents. There is a certain guilt or shame that comes to me when I don’t pour into them. A certain dissatisfaction when I am not going all the way out to do something they want. That’s something I can work on in 2024.
2023 was the year I made a lot of changes. Getting out of residency and its set pattern of ways to finally live in a city, work more independently and live independently opened up a thought process I lacked before. When we are kids there are so many things we learn to live with – my mum got Nescafe for coffee and Tata tea for tea. Now that I am nearing the end of my twenties and living in her own flat and having the liberty to do things on her own, every day I am learning newer ways to do life. I find I like Bru and Cothas coffee. When I want to make a cup of adrak chai, I like to use Brooke bond.
Residency and its toxicity had put my brain in survival mode for a long time – my nervous system was jumpy and I had developed coping strategies that people would not normally choose in a healthy atmosphere. Finding a good Fellowship program and mentor that literally said, ” Happy holidays, enjoy, no worries” when I asked to extend my holiday from 2 to 4 because I was clearly guilt tripping asking for one at the first time made me realise that life actually changes with the boundaries and the consideration to your own self you put in them.
Living in a hostel having the liberty to just open the door and having someone to talk to makes you find a comfort zone of the same routines, the same parties and the same conversations. Living alone and the loneliness that came with it helped me discover things I like to do on my own again. I started writing again (albeit, rarely), no one guilt shamed me for just taking a book and spending my time reading it in a cafe, I could pick up my bag again and wander in museums and streets taking in the culture of things I have never seen before, I discovered I could again cut out the noise and listen to songs and found newer genres of music and newer songs I liked. In a world that asked me to settle I tried dating someone for the first time wholeheartedly who brought a newer perspective to everything I thought I deserved and ways I could be treated – having someone as a rock solid support system to give you the liberty to pursue other things in life was calming in ways I had never felt before. Understanding that even in such relationships not taking it for granted and investing time and effort to keep regular check ins without making it just a part of your routine and vent out was the second lesson. Trying to move on from something that significant quickly by using quick fix mechanisms and not acknowledging I am hurt was third. Breathe, pace out, new lovers will come, yet let me acknowledge that what I had was significant and worth crying over. You don’t lose someone you see your future with everyday, and even in that loss if you are alone – it’s okay. I discovered different ways to do things and the way I liked to do it. I found different opinions on things but my own voice in it. Also, no one can decide your timeline except yourself.
There is a certain beauty in knowing the year is ending and a new one starts – because even if a part of me is realistic to know nothing will change, a part of me is also hopeful that with a new year comes the new possibilities of things and newer ways of doing it. Even if the settings are the same and life is following set patterns and cycles of things – I will get the chance to do the same things in a different way and get a different outcome.
Adios 2023, you were bittersweet. 2024, I am ready for your lessons but I have a few tricks of my own now. I believe you will be a gamechanger – mostly because you start on a Monday. *Facepalms*
Cheers.
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symphonyofdesires.wordpress.com 
It was good read