Woman

I am convinced woman is not a human
I am convinced.
She must be made of clay and paper
Forever mouldable
Forever weighed
Forever written in
(With no words of her own)
No speech
No tantrum
No opinion
(Her adulation compared with her silence)

I am convinced a woman is not a human.
I am convinced.
She is pitted against each of her own
Like mad bulls.
Sometimes beauty
Sometimes fidelity
A man’s disgress being always pointed
To a woman’s folly.

I am convinced a woman is not a human.
I am convinced.
She is made to fit into sizes and labels
Counted by dowry not degrees
Skin tone and measuring scales
Recipes and confined spaces.
All to be born with a pleasant demeanor.

I am convinced.
I am convinced a woman is not a human
She is a toy for the world to do as they please.
Think less
Talk less
Do more
Silence your mind for all you know
For the doll given to you as a kid
Is the woman you ought to become.

A letter to my 3 day old sister

Dear baby,
I wonder what your world will be!
You’ll outlive me by a whole 26 years
I wonder what all you’ll see!

I have seen a tiny, tiny virus
Outsmart mighty, mighty empires
And our little wicked schemes
Taking down a rat’s race that thought itself bigger than nature’s scheme.

I have seen forests consumed by hell-fires
But nothing more consuming than desire
Of harrowed men trapped,
In a never ending stream of wanting.

I have seen faith,
I have seen love,
I have seen all you can,
And what to do when you cannot.

I have the felt the fresh breeze off mountain ranges
I have dipped my soul in holy Ganges
When I have washed off my sins,
I have added his name afresh.

The one that still makes me feel a million things,
Yet let me tell you
Most boys will break your hearts
Even if  butterflies and unicorns – are what you feel in the beginning.

But you’ll always stand,
Taller than ever,
Your heart will love harder than ever,
And at the end of it all, you’ll fall in true love – the one with yourself.

I have seen friends
I have seen friendship
Sometimes both seem different
I have wondered why it is.

I have had family though,
Mine and ours,
Standing by when noone did.
Cause blood respects blood but water takes the shape of every vessel it’s kept in.

Respect everyone,
Expect from none,
And maybe when you live another year after year,
You’ll thank your sister who lived 26 less, albeit happily.

The frog in the well

I sat down with my books on the floor, to make an attempt to finish the mounting pile of curriculum I needed to get over with. A steady stream of cold air gushed in through the open door infront, which led to the balcony. I looked up. At a distance I could see construction workers in full sway at a new multistoreyed building that was being added to the locality. A new blob of affluency; that had increased recently in my hometown – more buildings, more four wheelers, more branded stores  and glittering glassed restaurants. What caught my attention though, were the hills behind it. 

I had grown up being in love with the hills that my hometown was blessed with – lush green and reaching out for the sky, but barely managing to kiss it. I had always admired it from the tiny terrace of my house, craning up my neck to look at it and wondering – How tall it is! How would it feel to be on the top of it? How would the world look like from it? I looked forward to the day I could be at that height. 

Today though, something was different. I watched the rods jutt out from that building – a harsh piercing in my view. It rose from the under-construction terrace of that building and higher than my hills itself.

The height of my world had changed! The hills didn’t look so tall anymore, so imposing, so out of reach. . .  And I wondered, is this the height I wanted to reach or is the height I wanted to get stuck at?

THE YEAR IT WAS FT. FINDING MYSELF

Hours to go.

Hours to go for 2016 to end.

Hours to go for a fresh start, or so they have us believing.

I don’t believe in fresh starts anymore. I don’t believe in life changing lines, days, moments or speeches; and I don’t believe in the people who preach that. Life doesn’t hinge on a one specific mind blowing moment, that one girl who responded to your ‘palat, palat, palat’ or the guy who said the right things or one soul searching trip with your friends. Life is much, much more. Life is too long to fall into place because of a single event. It’s a long process, and 2016 was the beginning of this process for me for which I am so grateful for.

People have been cursing 2016 for the fiascos that had been happening in the sociopolitical world, but since I measure a year by my self growth I would say 2016 has been a pretty wonderful year for me, a personal best.

2016 has helped me connect to myself and I think that’s the best thing that can happen to you. I think we have got it so wrong – life in general. We have laid our priorities on superficial things forgetting our roots. What people say, what they think, what they perceive – once in a while we should let it go and try to pay attention to our needs. People lay too much stress on relationships and forget to nurture the biggest and the longlasting one – with self. There’s something about this relationship with the self that makes most of us guilty to indulge in, but can be extremely satisfying in the required amounts.

A lot had been happening in life before that, a lot of downs, so 2016 made me get over that and accept the life the way it is and most importantly love it no matter what.

I have this habit of clicking random things while my mother wants me to capture the interesting lion. Some zoo at Shimla.

I gave up accumulating regrets. I did or at least made an effort to do everything that I wanted to do and the things that I couldn’t I learnt to let it go. I picked up the gifted guitar gathering dust in the corner and tried learning to play it. When the chord F effed up my patience, I strummed it randomly pretending to be the best guitarist ever and creating a ruckus in the house. But hey, at least I tried?

On the professional or college front – God, fourth year has been so awesome – community medicine postings, hospital duties, interacting with patients, learning and absorbing it all. From being the camera shy person ( still am) to enjoying the occasional selfie with my buddies. From being the bathroom dancer ( I sing publicly) to dancing to my heart’s content in parties and concerts. From letting events slip by to participating. Letting the world see what I write *shivers* and knowing that even though a few, people look forward to reading me. From being tensed about every exam to realising that grades really don’t define you in the long run. Building up an awesome set of friends cum support system who love me, got my back and are my loudest cheerleaders. You tell me I am great when I know I am not. Thank you. Love you. You guys. *melts into a puddle of tears*

Batch picnic at Pradhanpat Falls. My friend & I roamed every corner of it with me trying to get the perfect shot of the beautiful place. 

 

My streak of travelling continued into 2016 for which I am so grateful. I visited 9 places this year and carried a bagful of memories back. Travelling has changed me but most importantly I have changed towards travelling.

My last trip of 2016 was to Puri. The people, the chaos – for the first time the cacophony in the Puri Jagannath temple welcomed me, and I embraced it. The hustle bustle of the Ananda Bazaar inside ( That’s a huge, huge exclusive marketplace inside the temple compound where they sell prasaada of different kinds, those brahmins offering tankapani at nominal rate, khajjas – oh my god – I wish they allowed us to click pictures), striking up a conversation with the vendors and knowing that all the prasada  was sourced from the common kitchen having 752 cooking areas ( W-H-A-T?).

The beaches, oh my, Puri and the adjoining areas have the most pristine beaches – they are absolutely soul food. I got over my fear of water and played with the sea – which was a huge deal for me – cause that’s a first in, hold your breath, 22 years. So, if you have been following me on Instagram that explains all the me with the sea videos. Watching dolphins in Satpada was the highpoint of trip; I wish I could have captured the slithery, elusive cute-to-bits animal. To go off the designated route to wander off into the uncharted areas (do that with care guys) has brought in a new perspective. I have been to Puri before, but the change in me reflected in the way I perceived it.

I want to write more about each place I visited but I’m afraid it would turn into a long travelogue. So, down with that.

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Letting go of criticism has been a hard but a necessary thing that I’ve done. From the day we are born we are made to listen and obey – sometimes things like this seep into our conscious and we forget our individuality relying on what others perceive of us.

I had been to an alumni meet recently where the people had gathered after 30 years or so from the days of being college mates to now occasional how have you beens. I observed how they narrated their children’s achievements and snubbed the ones that were not UpTo the mark or in some field that wasn’t engineering or medical by going on and on about this foreign university, that IIT and some IIM. I couldn’t help but muse, here they are – people who have led successful lives, wanting to live through the their children again by imposing their desires. 

Where does the want end? Where do we find the satisfaction? Where do we be content with who we are than how we look on the paper and on a virtual profile? 

I have faced enough unjustified criticism in my life; people who wanted me to be a certain way, dress up in a way, talk in a certain way, do what they want and be someone who I am not. To all these people I gave my indifference and continued to work hard at doing what I love. The day you stop trying to please everyone and living for the limelight is the day you become a contented person.

I am halfway there but I am trying to be more content by – not looking forward to a milestone but the moment. To love someone not for what they can become but who they are. To breathe in life. To exhale positivity. To complimenting people than putting them down for petty reasons. To grow above superficialty.  To making a difference in other’s lives be it an animal or humans.

I have been doing more, learning more and changing more; all the while trying to keep the essence of my soul alive. I have embraced life, and the ice on its heart has started thawing.
2016 has been such an amazing year, and believe it or not, I had no hopes or wishes from it. So, here’s a repeat telecast of wishes for 2017 – not hoping much but just expecting peace and good vibes – internally hoping it turns out as awesome as 2016 or even better. And as for 2016,

Thank you for giving me, Me.

I’ll miss you.

I want to write more but I got to go and live some more.

Love,

Parnini.

Clicked it at Satpada at the mid-way stop – an island where we had lunch and then walked over from these waters of Chilika to the other side to be greeted by the sea.

THE YEAR IT WAS FT. LESSONS

As my infrequent need to do frequent blogging struck today, I was quite perplexed as to what to write about. Maybe, if you’re blogger you might have experienced this, there are days when you want to blog but don’t have the time to sit down and type your thoughts into a coherent post; whereas on the other days there’s the will and time but no inspiration. Anyway. I decided to dedicate a post to this year that is passing by at a supersonic speed. Like seriously, is it 2016 already? I am still in 2010 mode reading Harry Potter for the nth time after getting done with the damn ICSE board exams. Phew. Coming back. There are people who count years in age, some by moments of their life but I have always counted them in lessons. So, I’ll share my year by the lessons I received.

Travelling this year has struck a highpoint in my life. I visited about 10 places and each place left me a bit richer in experience and understanding of the Indian ways of life. Books are a beautiful gateway to imaginary worlds but travelling is living the new world.

Tea Gardens of Darjeeling. I could catch a plane for one of those heavenly cups of Darjeeling chai brewed fresh by the tea estate shops.

The first lesson that I would like to recount was during one such episode of travelling. On the way to Gangtok from Darjeeling we decided to grab breakfast and parked our tourist vehicle in front of a medley of shops. There were medium range restaurants, thatched roof eateries and small shops selling biscuits and chips. We were confused as to which one to enter and parted in groups of two to enquire which served sandwiches. Mom and I proceeded to the biggest among the ones present there owing to its posh interiors which (should have) ensured hygiene and quality service. We asked the owner if they could pack sandwiches immediately as we didn’t have much time on our hands. Our queries received a disgruntled nod as he got busy in amassing more customers. We stood there for about fifteen minutes after which he refused us saying we had to do with whatever they had.  By that time my father and sister called us from the place they had found. Seeing the little, dark, eatery with thatched roof we frowned at the dirty interiors and hesitated to go inside, but just then the owner came with a huge smile on his face and showed us an unoccupied table where we could sit. They didn’t have sandwiches, but within minutes his daughter (I suppose) served us platters of Paranthas, curry, curd, pickled bamboo shoots and momos. He came in between to ask if we were enjoying the meal and our empty plates were refilled promptly. I sat there and observed how he delegated the same attention and hospitality to each customer. When we left the place, I couldn’t help but muse on the lines of “All that glitters is not gold.” The size of a person’s heart and nature isn’t determined by the size of the roof he’s sheltered under, I had to conclude.

Bakthang Falls, Gangtok.

Next thing this year taught me was to be more patient and deal with disappointments, which is still a lesson in progress. Have you ever wondered- aren’t disappointments, anger, sadness, etc. nothing but emotions that stem from one thing- Expectation? Be it a relationship that soured or a simple movie that you couldn’t watch due to unavailability of tickets. There had been expectations stacking up and once you add reality on the top of it, the whole pile crashes. It’s such a hard lesson for me because no matter how hard you try the birth of a thought is twinned with the birth of an expectation. Now, whenever I am faced with a disappointment I handle myself pretty well at the moment. It’s just that it mentally stacks up to a private meltdown. On one such morning when I was cornered by pretty scary devilish thoughts in my head I did one thing, from “I’m tired of waking up in tears. .” (Silhouette // Owlcity. It’s a frackin amazing song. Don’t judge it. Pliz.) I changed to Kenny Sebastian’s stand up comedy, and 5 Kenny Sebastian, 4 Pretentious Movie Reviews and 2 Abish Mathew later when I had laughed my guts out I suddenly thought,“Dude, what were you so sad about?”. From freaking cold Siberia I was in a Honolulu state of emotions. I guess that’s when I learnt no matter how end of the world you feel there is always a reason to smile. You just have to want to smile again.

The third and last thing (for this post) has to be something that has been bothering me in general – Humans on Social Media. And no I’m not gonna pull a Khan and start a debate on intolerance. Neither do I have a movie releasing around the corner nor do I have the urge to comment on everything. What has me perplexed is the unabashed self display on social media. Be it in the way we have reached a point where we need to drown another’s opinion to make our own heard. Be it shamelessly  promoting our deeds of selfish goodness on social media. Be it taking selfies at the rate of 120/day (Like c’mon I wish our trains didn’t delay the way some selfies are uploaded immediately after every hangout). The other day I was walking around in our medical college campus with a close friend of mine. She went on and on talking about her life, body image problems and people. Suddenly I realized how she had created a mental meter of comparison, the one which compared how she looked in real to WHAT PEOPLE LOOK ONLINE! I couldn’t but help smile and showed her two pictures. One that of an acquaintance taken in real and the other her profile picture. Umpteen filters later her dusky Indian skin was shining like a luminous bulb so much so that a few strands of her black were nearing light brown. We laughed over it and her insecurities were put aside for the day. But later when I thought of it, I wondered how many more women open social media and compare the number of likes on their post with others’, the number of  pleasing comments on their profile pictures, twitter followers and how many tweak everything they feel, have or look only to gain social approval? And when both of these groups meet and clash they create an insecurity over another’s hidden insecurity. Ha.

The thing to remember is that people put the most aesthetically pleasing parts of themselves online. The flawed parts remain behind the screen.

In these kinds of situations an amazing quote comes to mind –

“You can never look like the girl in the magazine. The girl in the magazine doesn’t even look like the girl in the magazine.” 

That’s it. I hope and pray that 2016 is the year we find our strengths to vanquish the ghosts of our past and create a future that’s in tune with our dreams. Love, happiness and peace to everyone.

Cheers,

Parnini 🙂 

View from a temple in Gangtok.

 

REMORSE

The world spinned, on and on, in circles and ellipses

The days grew into nights, the moon inspired some more songs

The pounding of heart, the beating of a storm

The curve of a pen sliding on a parchment I’d torn before

 

I tried to write

I tried to rhyme

I tried to phrase

But words fell short of the tumultuous feelings I’d kept trapped inside for so long

 

What was it?

What was this urgency building up inside me?

What do I call this hurried rush of saliva wetting my tongue locked in silence at the things going around?

What were these sighs, releasing in a disoriented fashion apologising for all the things I chose to ignore?

 

And then suddenly,

swifty,

a trickle of wet remorse ran down my cheeks

drowning – all the so called realities mortality had created

all the flesh eating desires

all the awful mortal expectations I had from other mortals

all the dreams that were wisps of desires appearing-disappearing in the nothingness of sleep

all the shackles I had let the world put on me to become another ideal being chaining the next generation

all the boundaries of caste, creed, religion, colour, race and other nonsense

all the conspiracies of beings higher than us in the skies to keep us fighting, to keep our peace away

 

And in the light of what remained,

I saw remorse cure me of the tempest,

Unclogging my visions to see what I was

Just a mass of flesh and bone,

living out days till it’s made to return to dust.