A letter to my 3 day old sister

Dear baby,
I wonder what your world will be!
You’ll outlive me by a whole 26 years
I wonder what all you’ll see!

I have seen a tiny, tiny virus
Outsmart mighty, mighty empires
And our little wicked schemes
Taking down a rat’s race that thought itself bigger than nature’s scheme.

I have seen forests consumed by hell-fires
But nothing more consuming than desire
Of harrowed men trapped,
In a never ending stream of wanting.

I have seen faith,
I have seen love,
I have seen all you can,
And what to do when you cannot.

I have the felt the fresh breeze off mountain ranges
I have dipped my soul in holy Ganges
When I have washed off my sins,
I have added his name afresh.

The one that still makes me feel a million things,
Yet let me tell you
Most boys will break your hearts
Even if  butterflies and unicorns – are what you feel in the beginning.

But you’ll always stand,
Taller than ever,
Your heart will love harder than ever,
And at the end of it all, you’ll fall in true love – the one with yourself.

I have seen friends
I have seen friendship
Sometimes both seem different
I have wondered why it is.

I have had family though,
Mine and ours,
Standing by when noone did.
Cause blood respects blood but water takes the shape of every vessel it’s kept in.

Respect everyone,
Expect from none,
And maybe when you live another year after year,
You’ll thank your sister who lived 26 less, albeit happily.

Letting go

A lot of time has passed now,
To make me feel okay
About everything that went wrong
And everything that went our way.

Some days I feel it’s my fault
Some days it’s yours
Some days when the fight won’t resolve
Destiny takes up the blame for what should’ve been just ours.

You see,
I don’t hate you
And now I can’t love you
The wound you gave me was just too deep.
For any healing that might have taken place
That one careless word you said –
Is enough to make me rethink
And re-evaluate what traipsed between us in deeds.

Even fate has put me far away,
To ever take that road back to you.
I wonder if I should accept it as the logical end
And move on from something that I had very well thought through.

They don’t understand why I am hung up,
They don’t understand because they haven’t tried to understand you the way I did,
But knowing how you took one second to unravel it all in your ego
I wonder if I ever understood you at all to play by it?!

So be it,
I let go of you
And I’m not naive anymore
To believe in setting love free and to wait if it’s true to come back to you.
If I let you go, I mean it’s gone
Or will there be some karmic pull of true love to make me run right back to you?
Nevermind,
Anyway,
Another man another day,
For tonight I let go of you.

A letter to my beautiful self

Hey sweetheart,

You call everyone a sweetheart

You call everyone “mine”

But how long will it take you

To handover that same gratitude

To your very self

And make yourself your “mine”.

Didn’t get it?

I couldn’t at first too.

But that’s how it works

This thing with one and two

Of every one around the world

Who have learnt the trick

To keeping their self loved.

They wake up everyday

Even wash their face

But when they lift their face to the mirror

They keep it there

(Not the way you flinch away)

And tell their horrid selves

I love you,

I love you I love you I love you

Like I’ve never loved anyone else.

Like I’ve never felt for anybody else.

I love you like you are the only thing that can love me

Or make me happy

So I’ll love you and keep you happy.

I know it now,

I am writing on the back of my palms and hands

Getting it tattoed on my skin

I could dream of a hundred men

To come save me

In a hundred ways

Yet a single none of them

Would ever love me

The way I can love myself.

Love,

P.

THE YEAR IT WAS FT. FINDING MYSELF

Hours to go.

Hours to go for 2016 to end.

Hours to go for a fresh start, or so they have us believing.

I don’t believe in fresh starts anymore. I don’t believe in life changing lines, days, moments or speeches; and I don’t believe in the people who preach that. Life doesn’t hinge on a one specific mind blowing moment, that one girl who responded to your ‘palat, palat, palat’ or the guy who said the right things or one soul searching trip with your friends. Life is much, much more. Life is too long to fall into place because of a single event. It’s a long process, and 2016 was the beginning of this process for me for which I am so grateful for.

People have been cursing 2016 for the fiascos that had been happening in the sociopolitical world, but since I measure a year by my self growth I would say 2016 has been a pretty wonderful year for me, a personal best.

2016 has helped me connect to myself and I think that’s the best thing that can happen to you. I think we have got it so wrong – life in general. We have laid our priorities on superficial things forgetting our roots. What people say, what they think, what they perceive – once in a while we should let it go and try to pay attention to our needs. People lay too much stress on relationships and forget to nurture the biggest and the longlasting one – with self. There’s something about this relationship with the self that makes most of us guilty to indulge in, but can be extremely satisfying in the required amounts.

A lot had been happening in life before that, a lot of downs, so 2016 made me get over that and accept the life the way it is and most importantly love it no matter what.

I have this habit of clicking random things while my mother wants me to capture the interesting lion. Some zoo at Shimla.

I gave up accumulating regrets. I did or at least made an effort to do everything that I wanted to do and the things that I couldn’t I learnt to let it go. I picked up the gifted guitar gathering dust in the corner and tried learning to play it. When the chord F effed up my patience, I strummed it randomly pretending to be the best guitarist ever and creating a ruckus in the house. But hey, at least I tried?

On the professional or college front – God, fourth year has been so awesome – community medicine postings, hospital duties, interacting with patients, learning and absorbing it all. From being the camera shy person ( still am) to enjoying the occasional selfie with my buddies. From being the bathroom dancer ( I sing publicly) to dancing to my heart’s content in parties and concerts. From letting events slip by to participating. Letting the world see what I write *shivers* and knowing that even though a few, people look forward to reading me. From being tensed about every exam to realising that grades really don’t define you in the long run. Building up an awesome set of friends cum support system who love me, got my back and are my loudest cheerleaders. You tell me I am great when I know I am not. Thank you. Love you. You guys. *melts into a puddle of tears*

Batch picnic at Pradhanpat Falls. My friend & I roamed every corner of it with me trying to get the perfect shot of the beautiful place. 

 

My streak of travelling continued into 2016 for which I am so grateful. I visited 9 places this year and carried a bagful of memories back. Travelling has changed me but most importantly I have changed towards travelling.

My last trip of 2016 was to Puri. The people, the chaos – for the first time the cacophony in the Puri Jagannath temple welcomed me, and I embraced it. The hustle bustle of the Ananda Bazaar inside ( That’s a huge, huge exclusive marketplace inside the temple compound where they sell prasaada of different kinds, those brahmins offering tankapani at nominal rate, khajjas – oh my god – I wish they allowed us to click pictures), striking up a conversation with the vendors and knowing that all the prasada  was sourced from the common kitchen having 752 cooking areas ( W-H-A-T?).

The beaches, oh my, Puri and the adjoining areas have the most pristine beaches – they are absolutely soul food. I got over my fear of water and played with the sea – which was a huge deal for me – cause that’s a first in, hold your breath, 22 years. So, if you have been following me on Instagram that explains all the me with the sea videos. Watching dolphins in Satpada was the highpoint of trip; I wish I could have captured the slithery, elusive cute-to-bits animal. To go off the designated route to wander off into the uncharted areas (do that with care guys) has brought in a new perspective. I have been to Puri before, but the change in me reflected in the way I perceived it.

I want to write more about each place I visited but I’m afraid it would turn into a long travelogue. So, down with that.

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Letting go of criticism has been a hard but a necessary thing that I’ve done. From the day we are born we are made to listen and obey – sometimes things like this seep into our conscious and we forget our individuality relying on what others perceive of us.

I had been to an alumni meet recently where the people had gathered after 30 years or so from the days of being college mates to now occasional how have you beens. I observed how they narrated their children’s achievements and snubbed the ones that were not UpTo the mark or in some field that wasn’t engineering or medical by going on and on about this foreign university, that IIT and some IIM. I couldn’t help but muse, here they are – people who have led successful lives, wanting to live through the their children again by imposing their desires. 

Where does the want end? Where do we find the satisfaction? Where do we be content with who we are than how we look on the paper and on a virtual profile? 

I have faced enough unjustified criticism in my life; people who wanted me to be a certain way, dress up in a way, talk in a certain way, do what they want and be someone who I am not. To all these people I gave my indifference and continued to work hard at doing what I love. The day you stop trying to please everyone and living for the limelight is the day you become a contented person.

I am halfway there but I am trying to be more content by – not looking forward to a milestone but the moment. To love someone not for what they can become but who they are. To breathe in life. To exhale positivity. To complimenting people than putting them down for petty reasons. To grow above superficialty.  To making a difference in other’s lives be it an animal or humans.

I have been doing more, learning more and changing more; all the while trying to keep the essence of my soul alive. I have embraced life, and the ice on its heart has started thawing.
2016 has been such an amazing year, and believe it or not, I had no hopes or wishes from it. So, here’s a repeat telecast of wishes for 2017 – not hoping much but just expecting peace and good vibes – internally hoping it turns out as awesome as 2016 or even better. And as for 2016,

Thank you for giving me, Me.

I’ll miss you.

I want to write more but I got to go and live some more.

Love,

Parnini.

Clicked it at Satpada at the mid-way stop – an island where we had lunch and then walked over from these waters of Chilika to the other side to be greeted by the sea.

Exams, excuses, etcetera.

Hello.

This comes precisely after. . . 42 days. No, I didn’t calculate that. My time is too precious to search for a pen and paper, so I just Googled for 300 seconds till I found a date difference calculator that calculated the answer for me. Time saver, eh?

So. My previous stand on posting regularly stands broken. But I got excuses. Cheers.

My semester exams were there last month. FIFTEEN DAYS, can you believe that? It stretched for 15 days, which translates into 4 theory exams, 4 internal assessments, 4 practical exams with 8 vivas. With no gaps in between. So you practically cram, cry and crumble into a half-alive badger after it. I still get nightmares about it.

Then I sat down to make a To-Do List *mental oh-em-gees* which stretched over 50 bits with stuff like ‘Blog regularly’, ‘Clean that garbage you call your room’, ‘Buy fish’, ‘Get a hair spa done, YOU FILTHY WOMAN’ etc., and by the next day the paper stood crumpled and torn into the same number of bits inside the bin.

Soon, our beloved Ganpati Bappa came visiting. In fluffing his cushions, modaks and arranging the mandatory show of ‘O my friend Ganesha, tu rehna sath humesha’ for my little sister some more days slipped by.

After a tearful goodbye and see ya next year to Ganesha, I realized that the only thing that I’ve actually got done over the past 9 days of holidays is order novels, order some more novels and finally end up reading Pathologic Basis of Diseases by Robbins & Cotran. Oops.

On a serious note, if there’s one thing I’ve done past these few days, it’s to put myself in the slot of first priority. Holidays earlier used to be this designated self-love time when you could curl up on a chair with your racy novel sipping on cool drinks. These days, it’s simply an extension of your normal busy life minus your college/ work (for professionals) as people keep pinging you with messages and constant updates thanks to social media. The first thing I did over these holidays was to stop being available 24×7 to people except my loved ones and keeping social media to the bare minimum.  And I feel happier. Voila! Digital detox, all the way.

So, these were my excuses for putting off updating my blog. But here’s another promise to update my blog frequently.

Yeah, really.

Really.

My holiday reads. First batch.

MY PICKS

• I’m listening to : The soundtrack of ‘OK Kanmani‘ by A.R. Rehman. It’s melodious, jazzy, straight from the heart, poetical lyrics. Definitely on repeat for the next few weeks. ‘Locked Away’ by R.City ft. Adam Levine. Adam Levine. Need I explain? It’s on repeat. Then I got ‘Honeymoon‘ the latest album of Lana Del Ray. My life’s made. Ok, bye.
• I’m watching : HOUSE. Enough said. And in movies, I loved – OK Kanmani (A bold take on the challenges of live-in relationship. It’s fun. Cute. And that awesome soundtrack.), Silence of the lambs (Watch it for Dr. Hannibal Lecter, the cold-eyed psychiatrist cum murderer, with a smile playing on his lips. Loved his character. Most favourite villain I guess.), Catch me if you can ( Leonardo DiCaprio !!! ), Manjhi ( Nawazuddin Siddiqui owned it.)
• I’m reading : After the crash by Michael Bussi. Not entirely through it. But it’s a pacy thriller that will keep you hooked. I got some other novels but thanks to my reader’s block, i’m reading at a snail-pace.

That’s it.

Cheers,

Parnini 🙂

LOVE YOURSELF ft. Perks of being 21

21 years. That’s such a small time to make assumptions about life. Such a small time to say you’ve learnt everything. Because frankly, every year I feel I’m better than the previous year. Every year I laugh at the previous year me, and I’m sure, my future self will be laughing at the current me too. But, twenty one years is a long time to learn stuff too. To experience. It comes after the innocence of childhood, turbulence of teenage and with the hesitant excitement of a young adult. You are past the 17 year old’s foolish I-know-it-all phase and braced for the blows that world gonna give you in return for knowledge. But this post is not about being 21 because I’m just five months into it and have a whole lot more to experience. It’s about something else.

In my 21 years of life I have had more downs than ups. More troughs than crests. As much as I’ve cursed it, that much I’ve been thankful for it later. Because happiness only elates, it’s the sorrow that moulds.And if there’s one thing I’ve learnt the most after it all, it’s this –

“Love Yourself”

When I say love yourself, it doesn’t mean loving the physical you. It means the whole you. The curves in your body, the curves in your thoughts. The flaws. The failures. The fallacies that you try to hide behind a mask of perfection. Give up the pretence. Nobody is perfect. Not even the ones who seems so perfect that you stalk their profile and pity yourself; they just hide it better. Love your insecurities; love them till they go away. Love your infinite energy to look for the good in the bad, that’s how you found your strengths. Love your smile and smile, in the face of tragedy. Love your soul – the white and the blacks.

Love that tear-drop that you shed at being hurt. You’re not weak, you’re just sensitive, and it got too much to handle. Love that tumbling of thoughts in your head, one by one, not letting you sleep at night. Because they’re trying to say you how much hurt you’ve kept inside and maybe just maybe one day you’ll have the strength to make it al-right. Love that face in the mirror, the one that you hate so much. It’s not pretty, it’s you. And you; you don’t need someone’s validification with a word like ‘pretty’, ‘beautiful’, ‘handsome’, ‘sexy’. . .and even if you want – Open your lips. Say it to yourself. And someday you’ll believe it just enough to not cower in front the one you love thinking you’re not good enough for them. Love those trips to the mall. Love that trial room. As you try one after the other feeling dejected because it’s too small or too big, walk away with a face held high to another store. Clothes don’t define you, they just cater to someone’s idea of superficialities and another’s idea of making money by selling them. Love those failures, those bad grades, the exams you didn’t qualify. Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam wanted to become a pilot and didn’t qualify it and look what he became. Maybe failures are a way of life telling us, “You’re crying over this but you don’t know what I’ve planned for you ahead. Get up and start working, stupid.” There are failures in everyone’s life, maybe you had too soon. Just because you failed at one doesn’t mean you’ll fail at life. There are good times ahead. Work for it. Love your body. The skinny will write vengeful posts about why everyone says it’s okay to be fat. The fat ones will sit on their laptops all day googling pictures of skinny models. I say give up the debate. Work for the body you want, and till you get it, love what you have. Don’t dream of what you can be when you’re chomping on a bag of chips or complaining how skinny you are while judging fat people in the head. No one’s innocent. Love those bad days that come too sudden, too unexpected and too much to get through it unscarred; because when it’s over you’ll be stronger and the little scared girl of today in the future will wonder when someone comes and says to her,” How are you so calm? How can you be so strong? I want to be you.” And that’s when you’ll realize how far you’ve gone.

So, don’t waste time and start loving yourself.

Cheers,

Parnini 🙂